30 October 2008

Writing Guidelines

Let me start by saying that my younger brother is hilarious (or at least I think he is), he also writes very well, even though he doesn't think so. The only real outlet he has for writing is the Notes facility on Facebook. He wrote this note a month or so ago and I've decided that more people need to share in his humouristic genius. So Ringo, this is your note, whether you like it or not...

Writing Guidelines by Ringo

Learn to spell.
Then I’ll know it’s a language I can understand and I’ll keep reading.

Use grammar.
Then I can read it and know it’s not a random collection of words.

Punctuation is required.
This helps prevent death from lack of oxygen when reading aloud.

Stop exaggerating so much.
Then I’ll believe you more of the time.

Don’t try to be funny with every single sentence.
You aren’t.

About how empty, meaningless, materialistic, pessimistic, disloyal, ugly, dark, anguish filled, pretentious, fake and/or ‘plastic’ the world, the human race, the future, popular entertainment, them, they, me or your life is, has become and/or will be.
Writing about this has been done. You’re a sissy.

Use facts that are true.
If I know you’re lying or making it up, I’ll not be impressed.

Using any of the above mentioned abominations, or any other I didn’t list, will put you on my douche list.

Swearing can be fun.
It can also be gosh-darn irritating.

If a simile, metaphor or expression makes no sense, don’t use it.
“...pisses off…more than an Agro[sic] Eric Cartman on PMS showing you thoughts of impending end-of-the-world stigmata on a piece of pig rind...”

Criticism is just opinion.
Take it or leave it. Don’t fight it.

Disclaimer: There is no reason to follow these guidelines. I am not a writer and I didn’t study literature.

I'm going to be posting more of his work as he writes it. I'm very proud of my little brother and may even tell him what I'm doing (one day.....)


Being Brazen said...

Great guidelines from your brother.


Arkwife said...

Aren't they just. Personally I think they should be part of the terms and conditions of any writing medium.

MsBehavn said...

Your brother is a genius! Why doesn't he have a blog already?

Arkwife said...

MsB: sadly, even though he is a genius and an excellent writer, he hates blogging and the idea behind it. He's a bit of a weird one really.

po said...

love it.

Ruby said...

I'm guessing Ringo is the younger brother that i plan on marrying right?

Arkwife said...

Po: I still laugh everytime I read it.

Ruby: yup, the pretty one. Ruby and Ringo...could be a nice combination :-)

Margaret said...

Ha!Ha! What a great writer your brother is! I loved this and it's the greatest thing yet that I've read on FB! (which that whole experience is just so over my head it's not funny).

I'll be looking for more of your brother's writings as I've now added you to my favorites (which also doubles as my drop list for Entrecard).

Thanks for dropping on me today! It has been great finding you.


Arkwife said...

Margaret: thanks for stopping by. I'm going to have to write something amazing to top my darling brother, it seems.

Kitty Cat said...

What a great read! And I wholeheartedly agree! He should get a blog of his own going!

angel said...

awesome list- very funny yet very accurate!